Reflections: Anakin and Padme Vignettes Series
by Miska
Summary: ~*~Finished 6/16!!~*~A series of vignettes written by my sister Gaby and me that explores Anakin and Padme's feelings for each other and the words that sometimes they're not allowed to say. My first Star Wars fan fic, please R/R!!
1. Padme

Hi there, readers! This is a series of vignettes inspired by Anakin and Padme's relationship in "Attack of the Clones". My sister Gaby and I loved the movie, but we couldn't resist the temptation to join the universe of Star Wars fan fiction and add our own bits n' pieces to the movie. It's our first Star Wars piece, so don't be too hard on us J . Enjoy! 

Padme

****

Right after the packing scene in AOTC

I have a pile of paperwork to do before I leave. 

In the past hour I've begun and hopelessly given up on at least five different projects. I can't concentrate, can't think logically, can't even remember statistics or names that I had at my fingertips yesterday. This is ridiculous. I'm a Senator, and a damn good one at that. I should be better than this. I've been in public service practically my whole life, and this is the first time I've ever, _ever _been unable to control my emotions. 

And it's all your fault, Anakin Skywalker. 

Who gave you the right to just come barging into my life like this? I didn't expect it. I wasn't prepared. All it took was one look into your eyes, and now everything I've been telling myself about my duty to my people, my career, and my perfect satisfaction with the lack of romance in my life, has come crashing down at my feet. Why? No, I can't ask myself that question- I might not like the answer. But whatever it is about you, something deep down inside of me recognizes it and won't let it go as I sit here in my apartment, alone with my thoughts, idly fingering the Jappor necklace you gave me all those years ago.

I always thought that when I fell in love- not that this is love, mind you- it would be with someone who was reliable and settled and uncomplicated. But you keep me guessing, Anakin- you're the only unpredictable factor in my otherwise stately and well-ordered life. Oh, the Senate can be pretty volatile at times, but at least I know how to handle it- I've had lots of experience and training. You, on the other hand; you're a totally different story. Seeing you again has made me daydream about all the possibilities, the crazy what-ifs. But there is no room in either of our lives for what-ifs. My attitude probably seems harsh and cold to you, but it's selfish to focus on my personal wants and desires when there's a whole galaxy out there waiting to be saved. 

So that's why I can't explore out how I feel about you, at least not beyond a simple friendship. I can't indulge my irrational longing to stare into your eyes for as long as it takes me to figure out what's going on between us, and I have to keep my distance. I'll get over it. I have to. 

But you're not making it easy for me. 


	2. Anakin

****

A/N: And heeeeeeere's Anakin! Wow, it took Gaby and me forever to do this one because it's just so hard to get in his head J . Anyway, the setting is a little complicated, so I should probably explain it. There's this scene in the book and in the deleted scenes where, right after Anakin and Padme arrive on Naboo, they go to her parents' house. Padme lives at home when she's not on Coruscant, b/c "official residences have no warmth". So they go there for Padme to reassure her parents that she's safe after the assassination attempt, and also for her to pick up some of her other clothes and stuff. This comes after the 'I thought Jedi weren't allowed to love' scene and before the audience with Queen Jamilla. If you have any questions, just post them in the 'reviews' and leave your e-mail. Enjoy!

Anakin

****

Right after Anakin and Padme have left Padme's parents' house on Naboo

I know that this is wrong.

She's a Senator, I'm a Jedi. Our lives belong to other people. There's this line of the Jedi Code that says, "There is no passion; there is only peace in the Force." Sometimes when I lie awake at nights, I feel like that sentence is directed at me. Believe me, I know that Jedi aren't supposed to form romantic attachments- or any attachments, for that matter. I wish this was something I could just push away. But it's not.

I love her. I've always known it- ever since I was nine years old and I thought she was an angel. You probably think I'm crazy to feel this way about someone I've known for such a short time. But in the past few days I've seen more sides of Padme Amidala than everyone in the Senate combined. We just left her family. Her _family_. I met her parents, watched her play with her nieces, and listened to her sister tease her about her love life- which she apparently doesn't have much of. 

And now I'm more hopelessly in love with her than ever.

I think you knew that the Jedi Council was making a mistake, sending us off together like this. I could sense your doubts, and I can definitely understand why you feel that way. To be honest, I don't know if I'll be able to control my emotions around her. It's becoming impossible for me to hold her off at arms' length. 

I know you think I'm being headstrong, Master; that I never think about the consequences of my actions. Well you're wrong. I do. I love being a Jedi, and there's nothing that would hurt me more than being expelled from the Order- except giving up Padme. I hope you understand, because I wasn't lying when I told you that you're like a father to me. I wish I could make you see how I feel about her, but it's impossible to put into words.

The other day I made her laugh- really laugh. I bet you've never seen her laugh; probably not many people outside of her family have. It was something silly; just some corny joke- probably one that I picked up from you. But her whole face lights up when she laughs. It's like the mantle of Senator-and-Former-Queen Amidala lifts for few minutes and Padme shines through. Believe me, it's amazing. It was then that I realized I would do anything for her, anything to be with her and see her relaxed and happy like that all the time. I know you think that one's relationship with the Force should take precedence over relationships with people, but I just can't see it that way. I am truly sorry, Master.

So I guess we'll just have to keep this clash of wills under control until one of us gives in. It might take a while, because in your own way, you're just as stubborn as I am. Another very un-Jedi-like trait, but there we are. I can't change my feelings for her, and I don't want to hurt you.

I just don't have a choice. 


	3. Padme

_A/N: And yet another installment. I hope you guys enjoy this! Don't forget to read and review- it makes my day :-)_

Padme

****

After Anakin has woken up from his nightmares; before they leave for Tatooine

Every night for the past week it had happened. We'd say goodnight, I'd go into my room, and he would go into his. For a few hours, all was peaceful. Then it started. I would hear him tossing and turning, just a little bit at first, until it gradually escalated to where he's thrashing around and calling out her name. His mother's. He would have these nightmares, horrible dreams about her. Then he'd go out onto the balcony underneath my window and meditate. I don't think he knew that I watched him sometimes, but I did. When I saw him in the morning I could hardly tell he'd spent a sleepless night. I saw him torn between his duty to me and his love for his mother. I knew he wanted to go to her, but I stood in his way. It was killing him; I could tell.

And it was killing me too.

I was only a child myself when I met Shmi Skywalker, but her strength and inner peace impressed me. She was so _sure _of herself, so certain that what she did for Anakin was right. And it was. He has amazing Force powers; even I could see that. But I know he must have missed her. I know he must have been lonely, at least in those first years at the Jedi Temple. The only thing I didn't know then is why he would have those recurring dreams after all those years.

Unless it was a message from the Force.

He tried so hard to keep it all together; to meditate his troubles away. But it wasn't working. Every day his confusion and restlessness grew, and I didn't know what to do. 

I was standing in front of a fork in the road. I could have stayed safely in my room, locked away from the real world, and not gotten involved. Undoubtedly, that would have been safest. I knew that if I comforted Anakin then on that deeply personal level, I'd never be able to ignore my feelings for him. Never again would I be able to retreat into my safe world of politics and pretend that saving the galaxy was all I cared about. 

But I was tired of playing it safe. Some instinct was urging me on, driving me to take this risk. I _wanted_ to go to Anakin, to comfort him and make everything all right, even though I didn't know if I could. It was then I realized how much I cared for him.

I loved him. 

If I had to choose again, I would do the same thing. Quickly, before I lost my nerve, I threw on a robe, ran a brush through my hair, and crossed the room with a few strides. I paused at the door for just a moment. _Once I go down there,_ I realized, _there can be no turning back. _Determinedly I turned the handle of the old-fashioned door.

And started towards my destiny.


	4. Anakin

Anakin

****

As Cleig Lars explains Shmi's fate

"We need to talk."

Barely able to control my impatience, I follow Cleig Lars into the kitchen as those ominous words echo in my mind. '_We need to talk'… what's that supposed to mean? What is it he's holding back from me?_ It's a struggle I'm losing fast as memories of my time with Mom keep flashing before me. No matter how bad things got, she always made me feel loved and protected. And now she's in some sort of danger, and I'm sitting here doing nothing on this _stupid_ moisture farm when I could be out there helping her! Only Padme's hand on my shoulder keeps me from jumping up, grabbing Cleig Lars, and demanding from him what's going on. Her presence has always had the power to soothe me. But I can't stay calm for long as we take our seats at the rough, wooden table and Cleig begins speaking. And as much as I try to give him my full attention, I can't keep my own thoughts from interfering.

"Shmi had gone out early like she always did…"

_Like she always did? Did? Why are you talking about her in the past? Mom, what happened? Why didn't they take better care of you? Where are you now and what's wrong? _Feeling panicked, I stretch out with the Force to search for her. I can catch a flicker of her presence, and I know she's alive, but it's as if she's very far away…or in great pain somewhere…

"…She was about halfway home when they took her…those Tuskens walk like men but they're vicious, mindless monsters…"

_I can hear the sorrow in this man's voice, but I refuse to believe it's as great as mine. He thinks he loved her? She's my mother, and now I'm faced with the possibility that she might be dying! How can he speak so calmly? He might be resigned to her fate, but I'm not._

"I don't want to give up on her…"

_Yeah sure you don't; that's why you're sitting here doing nothing and giving me _

that look of pity, isn't it? Well I don't need your pity and I don't need your help. I could have prevented this by myself; I know I could have! I've had the dreams for at least a month now, and I would have been here a long time ago if Obi Wan had let me. He doesn't understand. What's the use of being a Jedi, having incredible Force powers, if you can't even protect the people you love?

"There's little hope she's lasted this long…"

_As long as she's alive, there's hope. And I won't rest until I find her. I know what I have to do, and there's no time to waste. _

Intent on my purpose, I stand up and start to walk toward the door. Owen Lars speaks up for the first time, and his question surprises me.

"Where are you going?"

_Where does he think I'm going? _I wonder as a dozen replies flash through my brain. But I don't have time to waste, so I fling an answer back at him, and ignore Cleig's dispirited reply and Padme's soft moan as I walk away.

"To find my mother." 


	5. Padme

A/N: Aaaaand we're back! I know it's been forever, but we've been really caught up with school and all. Anyway, now we're out for the summer, and we're planning to have the final vignette in this series up before the end of the week! Happy reading! 

Padme

****

Padme's room in the palace of Alderaan, somewhere after the end of Episode III

"The road to darkness is a journey, not a light switch." 

Obi-Wan once said those words to me, not too long ago. I didn't understand them then; didn't want to understand. I buried them in the back of my mind, along with everything else that had been troubling me lately about Anakin, and managed to forget it all. Maybe if I hadn't, things would have turned out differently. 

__

Padme Naberrie- for she was only Padme Skywalker to herself now- turned off the holo-recorder and took a deep breath. The next part would be the hardest for her children to hear one day, and she wasn't even sure if she could put it into words. But she gathered her strength, worn and faded as it was, and continued.

I know you're wondering how I could have ever married someone like that; what could have possessed me. But I loved him. I still love him. Despite everything he's done, all the evil and destruction and death, I am still in love with the man who used to be Anakin Skywalker. At first I tried to fight it, tried to use my pain to make myself stronger. But I only discovered that my love for your father is such an integral part of me that I could never destroy it. And in those months before he turned, I know he loved you too. In the mornings, before he thought I was awake, he used to lie in bed and talk to you for hours. He would feel for your kicks, and I'm sure he tried to bond with you through the Force. Anakin was fascinated by the idea of fatherhood, and I know he wanted to be a good daddy. 

I'm not making excuses for him, or asking you to feel sorry for him. The choice to fall to the Dark Side was his own, and what he's doing now is wrong. I know that. I just want you to know that he wasn't always Darth Vader. Once he was a wonderful husband, a compassionate man, and a good friend to those who knew him.

I met Anakin when he was nine, a slave boy on Tatooine. The first time he saw me, he asked me if I was an angel. There were no fireworks between us then, but I grew fond of the funny little boy, so wise beyond his years. The Jedi I was traveling with, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, recognized his power in the Force and freed him. For the next ten years, after he went to the Jedi Temple to begin his training, I didn't see or hear of him. Then, when I least expected it, he came back into my life with an assignment to protect me from assassination attempts. Even then, I could see the flashes of darkness in him, but I loved him so much that I believed everything would be all right for us, that it would turn out like a fairy story with a happily ever after. 

I was so very wrong.

Master Kenobi believes that people never change. He thinks that Anakin has always had a tendency toward the Dark Side, and as his Master, he failed to guide him. I think he blames himself for Anakin's fall. He's told me that now, Anakin is more machine than man. Maybe he's right, I don't know. But despite everything that's happened, I still believe that somewhere, there's good in him. I believe that he will never totally fall, and I hope and pray that one day, he will return to the Light. If I had the strength, I would try to turn him myself. But I can feel myself fading slowly, and I know that my life is drawing to an end. So I guess I'll have to leave that job up to you two. I want you to know that I love you both, Luke and Leia, and I know that deep down, your father does too. Make us both proud.

__

Padme flipped the recorder off and sighed. She hadn't known that reliving it all could take such a toll on her. She was exhausted. But it was done now, for her children. Her eyes clouded over as she thought of them. For Luke, whose blue eyes and blond hair haunted her from each of the few holos Owen and Beru sent. And for Leia, whose independence and intelligence at the age of two already reminded Padme of the indomitable, dynamic woman she had once been. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As Padme Naberrie slept that night, a noiseless, hooded figure crept into her room. With practice stealth he searched her desk until he found what he was looking for, a recording that, according to his sources, Padme had made that evening. No one had been able to tell him what was in it, but he was sure it would hold some interest for his master. The man waited until he was safely aboard his ship and off planet to send a message to Lord Vader.


	6. Anakin

Anakin

Chapter 6

****

Lord Vader's private room in the Imperial Palace on Coruscant

He stood motionless in the center of his chamber, with the harsh lights reflecting off his black armor. Standing out amidst the sea of black, was the small, white data-pad he held in his hand.

Darth Vader- former Jedi, Lord of the Sith, and right-hand man to Emperor Palpatine- was hesitant.

His mind was full of questions: Why was Padme on Alderaan, and did she still mean anything to him? Did the Emperor know? Would he find out? 

At least he had the answers to some of them. No, he was dead to Padme now. And besides that dull ache that would surely go away one day, she meant nothing to him. And no; if he had anything to say about it, the Emperor would never find out. 

Still, there was no reason why he couldn't look at the holo. While he had originally planted a private spy on Alderaan to gather information on the supposed 'Rebellion' that was forming, this was an unexpected result. Nothing Padme had recorded on the data-pad could change his allegiance, anyway. The Dark Side was his spouse, his friend, and his life. Quickly, before he could change his mind, he inserted the recording into a holo-player and pressed the play button. 

The road to darkness is a journey, not a light switch…

He had to catch his breath at the sight of her again. Always slender, she was almost gaunt now. Her once-rosy cheeks were mere hollows, and the dark circles under her eyes gave testament to many sleepless nights. Her hair was cut short, probably from a recent illness, and it had lost its luster. But apart from her physical appearance, there was an air of complete weariness about her. _That_ was what surprised him the most, the fact that the indomitable spirit he had always seen in Padme was broken. She had given up. Moving from his physical scrutiny of her, he concentrated on her words. _A journey…_she was right about that. A journey that had begun 12 years ago, when the already aging Senator of Naboo had promised the newly freed slave-boy that they would be watching his career with great interest. 

…managed to forget it all. Maybe if I hadn't, things might have turned out differently. 

Vader shook his head. Nothing she could have done would have changed things at all. This was who he was, and he had accepted it long ago. 

Despite everything he's done, all the evil and destruction and death, I am still in love with the man who used to be Anakin Skywalker. 

Vader stopped the holo. So, she still loved him? He had wondered about that, lying awake for many nights, until his heart had hardened and he had convinced himself that it didn't matter. But one question remained: who was she speaking to in the holo? He couldn't imagine Padme wanting to risk the lives of any of her friends by sending this to them, and he didn't think she would simply record something like this as an outlet to her feelings. Black-gloved hand almost shaking, he pressed the play button again. 

I know he loved you too…he would feel for your kicks, and I'm sure he tried to bond with you through the Force. 

So, she had given birth! But where was the child? Was he/she with Padme? And how had they evaded his endless searches and hunts? Maybe she would reveal his location in the holo. And that, Vader told himself, was the only reason he was going to continue watching this. Not because he found himself still wanting to see her face or hear her voice, and definitely not because he was still in love with her. 

_I met Anakin when he was nine…the first time he saw me, he asked me if I was an angel…_

Vader permitted himself a small smile. He remembered that day as clearly as if it had been yesterday. Padme, in her desert garb and the long braid hanging down her back…

_I loved him so much that I believed everything would be all right for us, that it would turn out like a fairy story with a happily ever after._

He almost snorted. Fairy stories didn't happen in real life, and anyone who thought they did was just foolish. 

Master Kenobi believes that people never change. He thinks that Anakin has always had a tendency toward the Dark Side, and as his Master, he failed to guide him. I think he blames himself for Anakin's fall.

While Vader still felt a lingering of his feelings for Padme, he couldn't quite hide his disgust for Obi-Wan. The old man had been a fool, he told himself, and he deserved whatever guilt or shame or pain he was going through now. 

I still believe that somewhere, there's good in him. I believe that he will never totally fall, and I hope and pray that one day, he will return to the Light. 

Child or no child, he couldn't bring himself to listen to this anymore. Padme was a fool. He had never thought of her as a starry-eyed idealist, but that's what she had proved herself to be. It was obviously too late for him. He had made his choice, and now he had to abide by it and all the consequences. 

Life didn't give second chances. 

****


End file.
